Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Love and Frustration...

I am just so frustrated with The Hubs. I've tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling about the Lupron.  I've tried to get his input, tried to get him to help me figure out other options and what would be best for our family, and he just seems completely indifferent. I do understand that he's got a LOT on his mind. His training has been way intense since we've been here, and in less than 2 weeks, it will be even worse. I just really need him right now, and I'm not getting the support I want.

I had brought up a few months ago that I'd like to try to have another baby before he deployed. Zadie would be 2, and Ryker would be 3 1/2, and in preschool. He said no. Even after the gyn said she wanted to try this treatment, I suggested to him that I get my iud removed, and we try to get pregnant in the 3 weeks we had before he left for Ranger School, and if it didn't happen (which, hello, what are the chances?), then I'd start the Lupron, but I'd rather try to get pregnant first, because: 
1. pregnancy makes my pain go away, and 
2. I don't want a 4 year gap between Zadie and our next baby. 
He said no, said that he didn't think I'd be able to handle three kids on my own while he was deployed. While I understand that, in his mind, he's doing what he thinks is best for me, I really wish we could have an in-depth conversation about it, instead of just going with his assumptions.

Don't judge our current relationship from this argument though.  We have been getting along SO well since we moved here. Something, I think, about being so far from everyone we know, and not seeing each other much, so we kind-of stick together more. But this is a huge stress for me right now - I'm terrified of what this treatment will do to me, so scared of the side effects and how I'm going to react to them, and I just need him to be willing to talk to me, support me, and listen to me. And I want him to talk to me about what's bothering him, what he's dealing with, and how he feels about his job, his training, and about starting Ranger School so soon.

Being here has changed him. His training has been really hard, but not only that, the leadership has left a lot to be desired. Typical of the Army, it has been unorganized, lacking of time management, and lots of 'hurry up and wait'. This isn't basic training/boot camp. This is school for officers, to learn how to lead, and their leadership sucks. Instead of learning to do the things that they will be doing once they get to their units (things that only higher ranked officers can really teach them, and they won't have time to sit down and explain much), they are out in the field learning and doing a lot of stuff that, yes, is good to know, and necessary, but also things that their enlisted subordinates could show or teach them how to do.  All of the guys in this course are frustrated.  It was supposed to be a 'gentleman's course', meaning mostly 8-5 hours with a few weeks in the field.  Instead they've been in the field more often than not, and when they're in garrison (in the classroom), who knows what time they'll actually make it home.  

The Hubs has become so cynical. Where he used to joke and laugh and smile, now he thinks the worst of everything... He doesn't talk anymore, he just turns inward, and I hate it.  I love him so much, and I want to be able to communicate with him, but I don't know what to do. This is so frustrating!


JG said...

SoldierMan has been going through a lot of the same feelings. Nothing frustrated him more than feeling like he's wasted his time, and this class has felt, to him, like nothing but! I hate it for him, because I know he had such high hopes going into it. Hopefully, after these other training classes (which I assume will actually be run by competent people) his attitude will change.

Eddie and Amber said...

I love your new blog. I love the raw emotions and how honest you are. Eddie is the same way with issues that are important to's like pulling teeth to get his opinion.

Just remember everything works out in the end... and what is meant to happen will happen. Stay strong while he is in ranger school!!

Thanks for sharing your "confessions".

p.s. we have a ton in common, as far as hobbies go. And I too am a nail tech BUT I hate acrylic and love to do feet. Ha!