Sunday, March 4, 2012

Drowning... housework.

Somehow, I can never even catch up when it comes to cleaning my house, let alone get ahead.  I am feeling like  I'm constantly behind, and when I try to catch up, I take care of one room, or one chore, and everything else falls apart.

I was incredibly motivated a couple of weeks ago.  Started on an intensive Spring Cleaning checklist.  I got two bathrooms done, my pantry cleaned out, and the curtains from downstairs washed and hung back up.  That's it.  Now my house is a disaster.  It looks like the Old Woman in the Shoe (and all of her children) have moved into my house, and nobody is lifting a finger to do anything.

I am completely at a loss as to how to catch up and get ahead.  I have so much cleaning and decluttering to do before the hubs gets home in two months.  I just can't seem to get motivated.  With everything I do being undone in five minutes or less, I feel like just giving up.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My Military Wife Pet Peeves...

There are certain things that people do and say that, as an Army wife, just 'get on my pet peeves'.  Some are rude, hurtful, annoying, or just plain ignorant.  These include, but are not limited to:

  • People saying things like "You knew what you were getting into when you married him/let him join the Army."  Yes.  I did.  But 'knowing what you're getting into' means nothing.  You have no idea what you're really getting into, especially with deployment, until you're in the thick of it.  It is SO stressful being the only one dealing with everything, while also missing your best friend and worrying about him constantly... 
  • The disrespect towards soldiers (and marines, airmen, sailors, coasties, etc...)  It's fine to disagree with the wars.  It's fine to disagree with the leaders.  But do NOT disrespect those fighting for this country, giving up, basically, their freedom, to ensure yours.  They sacrifice so much because they believe in something bigger, because they want to keep us safe, because they want to help others gain the same freedoms we have and enjoy.  Yes, you do have freedom of speech.  But don't disrespect those people who fought to get that for you, and who still fight to ensure you get to keep it. 
  • The way some officers' wives treat enlisted soldiers' wives, and vice-versa.  Last I checked, YOU don't wear a rank, and neither do I.  We are all wives, we are all struggling with the same things, and yes, my husband may be your husband's boss, or your husband may be my husband's boss, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends.  Grow up, get off your high horse, get out of the high school 'clique' mentality, and BE NICE!
  • Never really being able to plan for anything or knowing what's going on.  I know this isn't something that can really be fixed - things change so much, that change is the only thing you can really count on in military life.  I'm getting more used to it, but as a compulsive planner, and control freak, this still drives me nuts. 
What about everyone else?  What are your annoyances?  (I'm a little cranky today, if you couldn't tell)

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I am having a really hard time tonight.  I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. And I just want my love home.  Yes, I realize he'll be here in less than 90 days, but that still seems like forever.  I am sick of being strong.  I am sick of being the one to hold the family together, to make sure everything gets done and everyone is happy.  I am sick of feeling like the world is resting on my shoulders.  Yes, I knew that this would be hard, I 'knew what I was getting into', as many people like to remind me.  But I don't think anyone actually realizes what it's going to be like until you're in the thick of it.  Or realizes just how hard it's going to be, and how, no matter how long he's been gone, things don't get any easier.  It really feels like things are just getting harder and harder to deal with.  We're both tired of our situations, ready for life to get back to 'normal', whatever version of normal the Army will allow us.

My depression has been sinking back in, slowly, so it hasn't been noticeable, until I look back at how I was feeling two months ago, and compare it to how I'm feeling now.  I've gotten good at hiding my feelings, at putting on a happy face and pretending that everything's ok, but it's times like tonight, when I let my walls crack, just the tiniest bit, that it all rushes out and overwhelms me.  When I look at everything around me, my life, and my reactions to it, I realize just how low things have gotten.  I've let my house go - it's such a mess.  I haven't initiated anything social in I don't know how long, and have been pulling away from the few social invitations I've gotten from others.  I've been losing my patience so much more quickly with everything, but especially my kids, and my lack of patience makes them act out, which frustrates me and makes me yell, which makes them act out more.

I am so sick of feeling this way.  I know what I need to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do it.

I want to just curl up and hibernate for the next 80+ days, wake up, and have my love home.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm back,. And now, some late night ramblings...

I'm back, after being a non-blogger for over a year.  Explanations will follow... Just needed to get some stuff out tonight.

This is hard.  Deployment. Superman is stressed out with all of his crazy responsibilities.  The kids are being crazy (normal 2 and 3 year olds, and then some).  We have so many appointments every week, from preschool 3 mornings a week, my physical therapy twice a week, Big Brother and I each have therapy once a week, he has karate his two mornings off from school, and Little Sister has dance class once a week.  On top of being the chauffeur, the cook, the enforcer and disciplinarian, trying to be the loving mom, trying to figure out the best ways to deal with tantrums and meltdowns and 2 year old girls acting like teenagers already, still dealing with accidents from one and fighting with the other to even sit on the potty, and aside from trying to keep the house picked up (at least picked up so I'm not mortified if someone randomly drops by), and the kids bathed and their teeth brushed, and packages sent to Superman so he feels loved, I kind of fall between the cracks.

It's so hard for me to make friends, and when I do find someone I get along with, I constantly feel like I'm the one making all the effort, so I stop calling or texting or whatever, until I hear from them first, and guess what - I almost never do hear from any of my 'friends'.  It's sad - I was talking about it in therapy this morning, and scrolled through my received calls.  they are all from either Superman, my mom, my mil, an aunt or a sil. I think I have TWO friends who have called me in the past week, and one was a butt dial.

Might be a pity party, but I just don't know what's going on.  I've seen how to lose a guy in ten days... Maybe someone should do one on how to scare friends off...

Especially right now, with my mood and emotions going up and down and everywhere in between, but usually going from super great to horrible in a matter of minutes, it would be really nice to have someone here who understands somewhat of what I'm going through, and just someone to sit and talk with. Someone who was willing to drop whatever, or arrange their schedule, and go shopping with me, or go to the park with me to sit and talk so I didn't have to sit alone while the kids play.

I don't think people realize how hard it is to play the roll of 'single mom', but be missing that HUGE piece that should be there with you - your husband.  I think it's even harder now that I have kids, because I'm used to having some backup, someone to share the fun stories with, someone to split the 'bad guy' role with, someone to hang out with while the kids are playing at the playground.  I do remember being newly married with no kids and him leaving for training.  Granted, it wasn't a year, but it was long enough for me to miss him a TON, but also enjoy doing things I didn't really get to do with him around.  Those things I still don't get to do, even though he's gone, because it's so hard (and I feel guilty) finding someone to watch the kids so I can get my nails done or get a massage or go shopping...

I miss having him to cuddle next to me at night, play with my hair, wake up and get the kids breakfast in the morning so I can sleep an extra ten minutes...  It's all the little things that suck the most about this.

The biggest thing, though, is having my best friend halfway across the world.  The hardest part is not being able to just pick up the phone and call him when something happens, good or bad.  I am so looking forward to never going through a 12-month deployment again, let alone 15-18 months.

I miss my sister in law.  She was my shopping buddy, workout motivator, movie partner, and best girlie friend... we grew up similarly, so we got along really well.  And I miss the crap out of her!