I am having a really hard time tonight. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. And I just want my love home. Yes, I realize he'll be here in less than 90 days, but that still seems like forever. I am sick of being strong. I am sick of being the one to hold the family together, to make sure everything gets done and everyone is happy. I am sick of feeling like the world is resting on my shoulders. Yes, I knew that this would be hard, I 'knew what I was getting into', as many people like to remind me. But I don't think anyone actually realizes what it's going to be like until you're in the thick of it. Or realizes just how hard it's going to be, and how, no matter how long he's been gone, things don't get any easier. It really feels like things are just getting harder and harder to deal with. We're both tired of our situations, ready for life to get back to 'normal', whatever version of normal the Army will allow us.
My depression has been sinking back in, slowly, so it hasn't been noticeable, until I look back at how I was feeling two months ago, and compare it to how I'm feeling now. I've gotten good at hiding my feelings, at putting on a happy face and pretending that everything's ok, but it's times like tonight, when I let my walls crack, just the tiniest bit, that it all rushes out and overwhelms me. When I look at everything around me, my life, and my reactions to it, I realize just how low things have gotten. I've let my house go - it's such a mess. I haven't initiated anything social in I don't know how long, and have been pulling away from the few social invitations I've gotten from others. I've been losing my patience so much more quickly with everything, but especially my kids, and my lack of patience makes them act out, which frustrates me and makes me yell, which makes them act out more.
I am so sick of feeling this way. I know what I need to do, but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do it.
I want to just curl up and hibernate for the next 80+ days, wake up, and have my love home.