Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm back,. And now, some late night ramblings...

I'm back, after being a non-blogger for over a year.  Explanations will follow... Just needed to get some stuff out tonight.

This is hard.  Deployment. Superman is stressed out with all of his crazy responsibilities.  The kids are being crazy (normal 2 and 3 year olds, and then some).  We have so many appointments every week, from preschool 3 mornings a week, my physical therapy twice a week, Big Brother and I each have therapy once a week, he has karate his two mornings off from school, and Little Sister has dance class once a week.  On top of being the chauffeur, the cook, the enforcer and disciplinarian, trying to be the loving mom, trying to figure out the best ways to deal with tantrums and meltdowns and 2 year old girls acting like teenagers already, still dealing with accidents from one and fighting with the other to even sit on the potty, and aside from trying to keep the house picked up (at least picked up so I'm not mortified if someone randomly drops by), and the kids bathed and their teeth brushed, and packages sent to Superman so he feels loved, I kind of fall between the cracks.

It's so hard for me to make friends, and when I do find someone I get along with, I constantly feel like I'm the one making all the effort, so I stop calling or texting or whatever, until I hear from them first, and guess what - I almost never do hear from any of my 'friends'.  It's sad - I was talking about it in therapy this morning, and scrolled through my received calls.  they are all from either Superman, my mom, my mil, an aunt or a sil. I think I have TWO friends who have called me in the past week, and one was a butt dial.

Might be a pity party, but I just don't know what's going on.  I've seen how to lose a guy in ten days... Maybe someone should do one on how to scare friends off...

Especially right now, with my mood and emotions going up and down and everywhere in between, but usually going from super great to horrible in a matter of minutes, it would be really nice to have someone here who understands somewhat of what I'm going through, and just someone to sit and talk with. Someone who was willing to drop whatever, or arrange their schedule, and go shopping with me, or go to the park with me to sit and talk so I didn't have to sit alone while the kids play.

I don't think people realize how hard it is to play the roll of 'single mom', but be missing that HUGE piece that should be there with you - your husband.  I think it's even harder now that I have kids, because I'm used to having some backup, someone to share the fun stories with, someone to split the 'bad guy' role with, someone to hang out with while the kids are playing at the playground.  I do remember being newly married with no kids and him leaving for training.  Granted, it wasn't a year, but it was long enough for me to miss him a TON, but also enjoy doing things I didn't really get to do with him around.  Those things I still don't get to do, even though he's gone, because it's so hard (and I feel guilty) finding someone to watch the kids so I can get my nails done or get a massage or go shopping...

I miss having him to cuddle next to me at night, play with my hair, wake up and get the kids breakfast in the morning so I can sleep an extra ten minutes...  It's all the little things that suck the most about this.

The biggest thing, though, is having my best friend halfway across the world.  The hardest part is not being able to just pick up the phone and call him when something happens, good or bad.  I am so looking forward to never going through a 12-month deployment again, let alone 15-18 months.

I miss my sister in law.  She was my shopping buddy, workout motivator, movie partner, and best girlie friend... we grew up similarly, so we got along really well.  And I miss the crap out of her!

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