Ranger School Rollercoaster

" ...When you are compelled to give up something, or when something dear is withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now.  But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better..."


After the mental, emotional, physical, and financial preparation of both The Hubs and myself, the day was finally here.  He shook me awake yesterday morning around 8am, and as soon as I realized what day it was, what waking up would mean, I started crying.  And we laid in bed while I cried for over an hour.  Like, gut-wrenching sobs, alternating with quiet little sniffles, and everything in between. We even ignored the cries and demands of the kids (for a bit - not too long) while I got a lot of my emotion out.

The Hubs & I got up, got the kids fed and dressed, he ate, we both got dressed, loaded up his gear into the car, and left.  We drove through post, out to the Ranger training area.  I dropped him off.  It was rather unceremonious.  Since there was a pretty big (4 hour?) window of time to be dropped off, there was no gathering of weeping wives, kids running around, or even soldiers getting ready for the next two months.  There was just a parking lot with a few cars in it, next to a building and a bus stop, across the street from the barracks & part of the training area, where most of the guys who were already there had gathered under a pavilion.  We got out of the car (just me & The Hubs, no kiddos), unloaded his gear, I snapped a quick picture of him completely loaded down, and he left.  Walked across the street, in through the gate, and away from me. 

Yup. I was distraught.  From there, since we would drive right by it anyway, the kids & I made a pit stop at the commissary for all the necessities - BBQ Lays, Tostitos tortilla strips (by far the best for dipping, imo), popcorn (movie theater butter, of course), LoftHouse cookies, Little Debbie's Fudge Rounds (the BIG box), fruit snacks, the little breadstick/cheese snacks for the kids, and some freshly made sushi for my dinner.  Yes.  That was ALL necessary.

We came home, did the nap thing, had dinner, kids had baths, and I stayed up until 2am revamping the blog, watching dvr'd reruns of HOUSE (LOVE that show!), and eating junk food. 

This morning was a little different, but not much.  Since The Hubs had been in the field so much, I had gotten somewhat used to sleeping and waking up alone.  Last night, I left Big Brother's bedroom door ajar when I went to bed, so instead of banging on the door and making a mess when he woke up, he gathered up his cars (his most prized possessions) and crawled into bed with me until Little Sis woke up.  We had brekkie, and I was picking up a bit, when my phone rang.  Not just any ring.  The Hubs's ringtone.  I missed the call (apparently I'd put my phone into the cup cupboard & shut the door?), and called him back, only to hear the words 'I need you to come get me.'

I was devastated. He had been looking forward to (and dreading) Ranger school for months upon months... and now, because of ONE pushup, it was over.  They had counted 48 of his pushups in the qualifying PT test this morning, when he needed 49 to pass.  BOGUS!

So, tearfully, I loaded the kids into the car and drove out to get him.  It was a sad morning.  Disappointing.  Absolutely NO disappointment in him... but TONS of disappointment FOR him. 

So now he's home.  I want to be happy, really, I do.  But I'm not.  The kids are ecstatic.  But I want him to be out there, starving, fighting and rucking and marching and not sleeping, and doing it all over again, because that's where HE wants to be.  We don't know what's happening now.  2 more schools (Airborne & Mec Leader) and a PCS to Fort Carson are in our future... but exact dates, times, and details are still in the air.

Life changes, so quickly, and we don't always know why, but we've got to roll with it and hope there's a damn good reason.

Blue Cords, Graduations, and Separation Anxiety...

This has been a long, crazy week.  The Hubs had his Blue Cord Ceremony on Tuesday night.  This was supposed to be a pretty special ceremony, as they were all considered 'special' enough to now wear the blue infantry cord with their dress uniforms.  I brought my camera, hoping to get some good pictures of him getting his cord, along with some of him & his buddies.  Only problem was, his platoon was in the least photographable spot (right next to where the families were standing, instead of across from) so the one picture I got of him getting his cord was the back/side of his head, along with a bunch of other heads...  Not so exciting.  The ceremony was followed by a dinner...  Pretty lame dinner, since the cost was $25 per person, there was no dessert, no music, and no entertainment.  We did have a decent time with the people at our table.  Besides, it was somewhat fun to get extra dressed up, even though we didn't get any pictures with our camera, a few people at our table were kind enough to offer to take some and email them to us.

Yesterday afternoon was the actual IBOLC (Infantry Basic Officer Leadership Course) graduation.  It was very similar to a high school or college graduation... meaning a speaker or two, then about 150 guys had their names called one-by-one, the audience was told where their next duty station was, they walked across the stage, shook a few hands, walked back to their seats, waited until everyone was done, and it was over.  I actually brought my camera, again, but due to a sick, sleeping Little Sister in my arms, wasn't able to take any photos during the ceremony.  Once again, thank goodness for good friends who took some for us!  There was a reception after the ceremony that we went to, and once again, I was hopeful to get at least a few pictures of The Hubs with the guys he'd spent almost every waking (and most sleeping too) moment with for the past 16 weeks, but alas, nothing.  Serious bummer.  At least they've gotten some good shots out in the field. 

Today, The Hubs worked a few hours in the morning and a few in the afternoon, trying to get everything ready for his next training - Ranger School.  We've already spent hundreds (I mean, in the region of 7+) of dollars on everything that he needs, and there is still more that he didn't get, but couldn't find anywhere.  Ranger school is a pretty hardcore training, with three phases of about three weeks each.  Between each phase the guys get a break of 8 hours, and since the first phase (Darby) is here on Fort Benning, they'll be able to come home...  But between Mountain and Florida phases, the most they'll get is a phone call home.  If they get a no go (i.e. fail) for a phase, they have to repeat it until they either get dropped from the course, or they pass it. 

I've got very mixed emotions about this training.  On the one hand, I guess it will give me a glimpse into what a deployment will be like, and will hopefully make us both appreciate each other more when we're together.  Right at this moment, I'm pretty irritated with him, so I say I don't care that he's leaving, but I'm sure that tomorrow, our last day together, will make me feel differently.  Or not.  I'm really bad about picking fights just before separations, mostly because I feel that if I'm angry at him, it will make me hurt less and make me miss him less.  So not the case, and I know it, but when have I ever claimed to think logically?

I'm most worried about how the kids will handle the separation - especially Big Brother.  While The Hubs was in IBOLC, he was home almost every weekend, and Big Brother would act out the day he left...  Then when he'd get home, both kids would follow Daddy around like dogs, crying when he'd go to the bathroom or leave the room, and especially when he'd go to work.  We'd have to explain to Big Brother that Daddy would be home that day, for lunch, for dinner, whatever would help him calm down.  But this isn't going to be for just 3 or 4 nights... It's going to be for 62 (as long as he doesn't have to recycle!), and that's going to be a lot harder to handle.  At least the kids and I will be going back to Vegas, Utah & Colorado to visit family & friends... mostly to break up the alone-time and hopefully help them cope a bit. 

I'm not worried about being home alone.  We live on post, which gives me some sense of security.  My biggest worry is that I won't sleep enough.  When The Hubs is gone, I tend to stay awake way later than I should, and I have to get up when the kids do, usually giving me about 2-5 hours of sleep a night.  Sometimes I feel like I function better with less sleep, but only for a while until it really catches up with me and I turn into a raving lunatic.  At least I haven't really experienced noticable side effects from the Lupron yet, other than increased pain, but that was expected... but that's another post.

I just needed to vent my worries, frustrations, and feelings about this upcoming separation.  I'm sure my tune will be changing VERY soon, and you'll hear all about that.  But for now, I'm ok with it.

My Battle With Pain: Part I

My whole life, I've had pretty rough periods, and the older I've gotten, the worse they've gotten - heavy flow, bad cramps, mood swings, etc...  Since about 2004 I've been blessed (hah) with intense pelvic pain. Think menstrual cramps constantly, and during/after sex, and during periods, to the point of being curled up in a ball, unable to move. The only time it's gotten better is during pregnancy. Sounds strangely like endometriosis. Enough like endo that multiple doctors have suggested that's what it was, but couldn't make the solid diagnosis because a laparoscopy has to be done to diagnose.  Since I've mostly had crappy or no insurance since then, I'd never been officially diagnosed.

Jump to this past February.  Zadie was 7 months old, and the pain had returned almost full-force.  I was still nursing exclusively and had the Mirena iud, both of which should keep periods away, but my periods had started around 3 months after she was born.  I went in to see the midwives who discussed my options with me, and then sent me to see the OBGYN to discuss the surgery.  I finally had good insurance that paid 100% of the procedure, and was just excited to have the pain gone for a while. Imagine my surprise when I woke up from surgery and the doctor told me that not only did I NOT have endo, but everything looked perfect, and he had no idea what was wrong with me. He suggested just dealing with the pain, having whatever kids I wanted sooner than later, and having a full hysterectomy, and hoping that would solve my problems.

I was angry. I was depressed. I felt almost every emotion you could think of. When I followed up with my pcm, he said that he'd just had another patient who was dealing with the same symptoms, and he had an idea. He sent me to a vein specialist, who diagnosed my pain as a result of Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (PCS). Basically, he explained that the main vein connected to the left ovary (and they're not sure why it's usually the left) can somehow get damaged and the valves don't work right, causing backflow of blood into the pelvic area, and that causes pain. It has almost all of the symptoms of endo, but the only known ways to 'fix' it permanently all have high risk of causing infertility.

So I finally had a diagnosis. Sweet. You have no idea what relief that brought me.  Instead of just having the pain and not knowing why, I finally knew what was causing it, and I knew that there were specialists that dealt with this condition.  Not so sweet was the fact that I still didn't have the power to do anything about it, while still retaining my ability to have the rest of the children we want, when we want them. The outcome was still the same - have your kids quickly and we can fix the problem. 

When we moved here to Georgia, I was really frustrated with my medical experiences. The doctor we'd been assigned to here at the hospital on post (thank you, socialized medicine) sucked, and I had to jump through hoops to get assigned to another one. I finally got someone to refer me to an obgyn, off-post, so she was in a civilian practice, and she is AMAZING!!!!!!! The first time I met her, she gave me a huge hug, and talked to me like we'd known each other for years. She seemed to genuinely care about me, and was almost excited to have a reason to research PCS (she'd never had a patient with it, since it's a newer diagnosis). She told me to come back in 4 weeks, and in that time, she would be getting in touch with some other doctors she knew in Atlanta and DC, and would hopefully have some answers for me when I came back.

My return appt was last Tuesday. She said that of everyone she'd talked to, so far there are really only three options - either manage the pain with meds (usually narcotic i.e. Vicodin, Percocet, Lortab, etc...), the closing of the veins (different ways to do it - coil, cauterize, etc...), or put me on a drug called Lupron, which would basically put me into menopause for 3-6 months. It works by making your body overproduce estrogen, and when it realizes what's happening, it stops the production of estrogen, essentially allowing the reproductive system time to repair itself.

We talked and decided that Lupron would be the best choice for right now. I will be able to retain my fertility after treatment, and in patients that she's treated with it, for reasons ranging from endo, fibroids, cysts, or undiagnosed chronic pelvic pain, it's worked on every one to reduce or rid them of pain for at least a year after treatment.

I go in for my first injection tomorrow. I will receive one every 4 weeks, for 6 months, as long as I don't have any severe side effects after the first injection.

I am terrified. She gave me a few different packets of information to read, and I've been reading up on it online (sites like www.webmd.com, www.lupron.com, www.womenshealth.com), and also on forums where people have posted their personal stories. The possible side effects are staggering:
burning/pain/bruising at the injection site, hot flashes increased sweating, night sweats, tiredness, headache, upset stomach, breast changes, acne, joint/muscle aches, insomnia, reduced sexual interest, vaginal dryness, vaginal bleeding, swelling of the ankles/feet, increased urination, dizziness, bone thinning, depression, weight gain, anxiety

Since I already have depression, anxiety, insomnia (explains why I'm writing this at 1am), I'm worried about how I'm going to feel on this drug. She said that my current symptoms (pain) will be worse for the first 3-4 weeks, but after that it should subside, but it will be bad enough that my current pain medication will not be enough, so she'll give me a stronger pain treatment to help me cope.

I really hope this works. I hope i don't go crazy. I hope it is the best thing for not only me, but for my family. I don't see any other option than to do the treatment. I'm just scared...

Also, The Hubs leaves in less than 2 weeks (Sept 12) for at least 2 months. He's going to training called Ranger School, which is 3 phases of about 20 days each. If he completes each phase, he will get an 8 hour break before the next phase starts. The first phase is done here on Fort Benning, so he'll be able to come home after that one, but after the second, he'll be either in north Georgia, or in Florida, so we'll just get to talk on the phone. Those 2 days will be the only times we'll get to talk the whole time he's gone. Also, if he doesn't pass one of the phases, he has to recycle, or repeat the phase, causing him to be gone 3 weeks longer. He'll miss my birthday, and if he recycles, Thanksgiving as well. So I'll really be a single mom for 2-3 months. The kids & I are planning a trip out west to visit family in Colorado, Utah & Vegas while he's gone, but I'm SO dreading this time apart with no contact. And I'm wondering what that, in addition to the menopausal side effects of the drug, are going to do to my mental state... Oh, this crazy life.